Step 1. Give the courtesy wave.
Okay, this is the first step, so we need to start off with a soft lob. I don't want anyone straining any muscles. (Did you know the heart is a muscle? Anyway.) When you are driving down a narrow street and a car approaching you pulls over to allow you to pass, give them a little courtesy wave, will you? Please notice that I'm not suggesting you actually be the one to pull over and acquiesce to the other driver. (That's, like, full Step Thirteen Asshole-Sober level behavior.) Just express a quick acknowledgment and show some momentary gratitude for their lack of assholery. You don't even have to do a full wave. Do that thing where you continue gripping your steering wheel but raise three, maybe four fingers from their curved position to, like, slightly less curved and almost straight. Maybe even throw in a nearly imperceptible head nod. You know what the other person will think? "Huh, that was nice. They're definitely probably not an asshole."
(Bro tip: Also give a courtesy wave behind you when somebody lets you merge or turn into their lane. That's super non-asshole behavior right there.)
Step 2. Smile at a stranger on the sidewalk.
Alright. At this point, you should be fairly comfortable with the feeling of acknowledging a complete stranger with a minimally positive gesture. It's time to take it to the next level. Try to catch a person's eye as you pass them on the sidewalk and give them a small smile. Don't be, like, creepy. Give a quick look in their direction; if they reciprocate and you happen to make eye contact, follow through with the smile equivalent of, "Hey." not "Haaaaayyyyyy." Do you know why this is good? Because it allows you to give that other person acknowledgment that they freaking exist. Also, people used to do this sort of thing all the time Before Steve Jobs. And honestly? You will look like a self-confident badass because nobody does this anymore.
Step 3. Do not block an intersection.
I know. You're busy. You have places to be. Here's the thing: SO DOES EVERYBODY ELSE. But even more importantly: Do you know what happens when you nudge yourself in there to catch the tail of that yellow light and end up in the middle of the intersection? You get to your destination roughly twenty seconds earlier than if you had just goddamn waited AND you get to sit there—yep, like an asshole—while everybody throws their rightfully venomous angry eyeballs at you. Just don't do it, okay? As a bonus, you get a few extra seconds to chill in your car at a stop light and do some Kegels or something.
Step 4. Don't leave people waiting.
Don't you just freaking hate waiting? I hate waiting for my burrito to cook for two minutes in the microwave. I hate waiting when I don't realize I'm accidentally connected to my neighbor's unprotected wi-fi and I have to watch my television buffer forever while trying to watch Game of Thrones through a totally legal and definitely not pirated source. Sometimes I even hate the 1.3 seconds it takes for my phone to read my fingerprint and unlock. But guess what? Microwaves and modems and smartphones are not sentient. (Yet.) You are. In fact, you are a sentient being who has successfully completed three steps in gradually becoming Not An Asshole, so you value everyone's time. Don't be that car at a light that keeps everyone behind you waiting when the light turns green because you're too busy texting eggplant emojis or something. If you tell somebody you will be somewhere at a certain time, be there. If you can't be there, tell them. Tell them as far ahead of time as possible including up to the moment you have previously committed to meeting them. Pending a family or medical emergency, anything later than that is asshole behavior and you will not be able to move on to the next step.
Step 5. Be kind to customer service workers.
True story: My first job was working for Blockbuster Video—which, children, was like if Netflix was a physical place you had to go to in order to watch movies at home and you always ran into people you knew on a Friday night and totally secretly judged each other on your movie choices so you would sometimes pretend to be looking at the box for Remains of the Day while waiting for the other person to pass out of your line of vision so you could finally just bring that rental copy of Dude! Where's my Car? up to the counter. Anyway, one night I was working a register and some middle aged asshole tried to rent, I am just going to assume it was Meet the Deedles or I Still Know What You Did Last Summer out of spite, and I was Blockbuster-contractually obligated to tell him that his account showed that he owed like 32 cents in late fees or something. So then he proceeds to flip out and tell me I'm lying. There's no way he turned in anything late. When I calmly tried to reason with him and say that I am just telling him what my computer showed, and also, that, like, calm down dude, 32 cents is not a big deal, he proceeded to gesture wildly to the rest of the customers in line that I was obviously a dumb lying kid who should be fired. And then I kind of giggled at him. (It was a long time ago, but probably that's what happened.) Then he stormed out in a cloud of accusations and expletives hurled in my direction. And then I calmly went to the break room and told my manager to be aware that some angry jerk was probably going to call in a few minutes and tell them that I was a liar (which he did, lol) who should be fired (which I wasn't, lolol).
Anyway. Don't be this asshole dude. Don't yell at some five foot tall teenager just because she told you that you were one day late returning Chairman of the Board or Barb Wire. Don't be rude to a server because it's 8pm on a Saturday night and you had to wait five extra minutes to get your water refill. Don't act like you're better than the kid or the fifty year old making your Big Mac. Who gon' make your burger, boo? Don't huff and puff at the checker at CVS who is making polite small talk with the elderly person slowly counting out change to make their purchase. They're probably making somebody's grandpa's day.
Say hello. Say please. Say thank you. You should have learned all of this in kindergarten, but in case you forgot some of it on your way to Assholeville, here it is again. Just be kind. I mean, be kind to everybody. But especially customer service workers.
Step 6. Own up to your mistakes and be open to criticism.
Alright, we're starting to get into the real serious territory here. Take a deep breath because this is where a lot of people fall of the ass wagon. Repeat after me: "I'm sorry. That was my bad." "Sorry, guys. I totally goofed." "Yup, that was me. I apologize." "I made a mistake and I take full responsibility." "I messed this up. How can I help fix things?" It's really not that hard, especially once you've done it a few times.
Here's an Ancient Chinese Secret® about this particular aspect of non-assholery: Admitting to your own mistakes is like getting a bikini wax. It might sting like the dickens right when you do it, but, afterwards, it's pretty much smooooth sailing, if you get my drift. (Insert eggplant emoji.) But if you try to ignore the issue in hopes that it will just go away, you're in for a tangled mess of jungle weeds. You're welcome for that imagery. Also, never ever blame your mistakes and faults on somebody else. It makes you seem like an insecure little fool who can't take care of their own [poop emoji]. And remember the last time a person wouldn't admit to their own faults and habitually deflected blame on others because of their giant ego and tinyhands heart? Well, they were freaking elected President of the United States. But karma will take care of him soon enough.
On a related note: Did you know that only about 10% of the population has outie bellybuttons? Did you know that men typically have more bellybutton lint because it gets all caught up in their belly hairs? And did you know that all mammals who have a placenta also have a belly button? (*Goes to find my pup's belly button*) Besides this, bellybuttons are kind of boring. So, stop with the navel gazing already. Although completion of this 12-Step Program ensures that you will be a far superior human being than you were before you started, it will not make you perfect. Nobody is perfect. If somebody offers—in a kind or at least not douchey way—some constructive ways in which your behavior may be improved, give it some consideration. It doesn't mean they're necessarily right. But it doesn't always mean they're wrong, either. Continuously strive to be a slightly better version of yourself everyday. But if some asshole is criticizing you unfairly and is being a giant turdbag, then just laugh them off (see: Step 8). And then introduce them to this program.
Step 7. Follow through on commitments and obligations.
Who-o-a we're halfway there and now you can start using that momentum to drive you through these next steps.
The previous steps were designed to make you a stronger, more conscientious, and self-aware person. They also should have somewhat conditioned you to being comfortable with feelings of discomfort. Because you know what? Sometimes being a functional non-asshole adult means doing things you don't necessarily want to do because other people are depending on and expecting you to do them. Work, classes, lessons, meetings, rehearsals. If you signed up to do it, it's your responsibility to follow through. If you don't and it becomes a habit, guess what? You're an asshole. Try again. Accountability is key and your good reputation as a non-asshole depends on it.
Step 8. Have a sense of humor.
Look. I'm a music academic. Music is serious. Academia is serious. Pooping is serious. All these things are also funny. Long story short, do you know the piece Leck mich im Arsch? Look it up.
What I, and Mozart, are trying to say is just have a laugh sometimes. Often. At yourself. At minor annoyances. At unexpected surprises. At life. At assholes. Especially since you are well on your way to not being one anymore. Good work.
Step 9. Stop telling other people how to live*.
We're on the home stretch, friend, so listen very carefully: You be you. At this point, you can probably be classified as a Pretty Cool Person, so being you should be a pretty sweet deal. However, there's a caveat. In order for you to be you, you also have to let him be him. Or her be her. Or, yes, them be them. Everyone is just living out their own story as we ride this giant rock through space together. You don't have to agree with or even approve of everyone. But don't ever think for a moment that you have the right to tell another person how to walk, march, or twirl down their path.
Just be a good person, okay? You're on the home stretch. You can do it. Look how far you've come already!
* Except for predators, murderers, and bigots. It's totally okay to tell them how not to live. See Step 12.
Step 10. Show gratitude.
These remaining steps are highly crucial towards your Freedom from Assholery.
Nobody goes through life alone. Unless you are Ted Kaczynski (and look how he turned out). Which is to say that there are plenty of people along the way who were at the right place and the right time to help you. Say a damn thank you. When you are hangry and somebody goes out of their way to get you an afternoon snack so you don't commit murder, say thank you. When your pot-smoking bumpkin next door neighbor comes over wearing only a pair of jorts and sneakers offering you a bunch of tomatoes he grew in his garden, say thank you. When somebody gives you support in a time of need, say thank you. When somebody does good work, say thank you. When somebody helps you to become a better person, say thank you. When you see someone giving of themselves so much at an otherwise thankless job, be the one to say thank you.
Step 11. Practice empathy.
Hoo boy, this is a big one. There's a reason this is the penultimate step. If you can pass this, you're basically on the last straightaway of the final lap of the Olympic Marathon of Not Assholes.
Countless of our fellow human beings have been tasked with living out their time on this planet as part of one or several marginalized groups. Often times it can be difficult to understand someone's actions or motivation only because you do not share their context. Put yourself in the place of another person and really understand them through their perspective. This is incredibly important when trying to make sense of the wildly and often times violently opposing viewpoints that exist in this world. This is also incredibly important when you are the partner of a very overworked, often stressed, and chronically exhausted individual who has a tendency to leave his shoes in places other than the Designated Shoe Place and a stray fork or two unwashed in the sink. (This is all hypothetical.)
Step 12. Don't be a bigot.
Hey, awesome person, you've made it to the final step of our 12-Step How To Not Be An Asshole program. Congratulations! Skills and traits you have acquired during your journey towards non-assholery include:
Courteousness
Kindness
Self-Awareness
Humility
Humor and Cheer
Accountability
Altruism
Gratitude
Empathy
With these attributes, you are ready to take this final and incredibly critical step: Do not be a bigot.
Just don't. Don't do it. Don't defend it. Don't justify it. Don't tolerate it. Don't.
Does this mean we aren't allowed to feel superior to anyone else? Of course not. I feel superior to most people most of the time, but that's only because I make really good lumpia. And, honestly, if you enter and complete this 12-Step Program on How To Not Be An Asshole, you will be, in my estimation, in at least the top 80th percentile of human beings on this planet.
Reasons to feel superior to others:
1) good grammar
2) capacity to respond to work emails in a timely manner
3) lumpia making skills
Reasons not to feel superior to others:
1) amount of melanin in skin
2) what gender(s) make underbits tingle
3) Spaghetti Monster of choice
Grant us the serenity to accept the assholes we cannot change,
the courage to change the assholes we can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Okay, this is the first step, so we need to start off with a soft lob. I don't want anyone straining any muscles. (Did you know the heart is a muscle? Anyway.) When you are driving down a narrow street and a car approaching you pulls over to allow you to pass, give them a little courtesy wave, will you? Please notice that I'm not suggesting you actually be the one to pull over and acquiesce to the other driver. (That's, like, full Step Thirteen Asshole-Sober level behavior.) Just express a quick acknowledgment and show some momentary gratitude for their lack of assholery. You don't even have to do a full wave. Do that thing where you continue gripping your steering wheel but raise three, maybe four fingers from their curved position to, like, slightly less curved and almost straight. Maybe even throw in a nearly imperceptible head nod. You know what the other person will think? "Huh, that was nice. They're definitely probably not an asshole."
(Bro tip: Also give a courtesy wave behind you when somebody lets you merge or turn into their lane. That's super non-asshole behavior right there.)
Step 2. Smile at a stranger on the sidewalk.
Alright. At this point, you should be fairly comfortable with the feeling of acknowledging a complete stranger with a minimally positive gesture. It's time to take it to the next level. Try to catch a person's eye as you pass them on the sidewalk and give them a small smile. Don't be, like, creepy. Give a quick look in their direction; if they reciprocate and you happen to make eye contact, follow through with the smile equivalent of, "Hey." not "Haaaaayyyyyy." Do you know why this is good? Because it allows you to give that other person acknowledgment that they freaking exist. Also, people used to do this sort of thing all the time Before Steve Jobs. And honestly? You will look like a self-confident badass because nobody does this anymore.
Step 3. Do not block an intersection.
I know. You're busy. You have places to be. Here's the thing: SO DOES EVERYBODY ELSE. But even more importantly: Do you know what happens when you nudge yourself in there to catch the tail of that yellow light and end up in the middle of the intersection? You get to your destination roughly twenty seconds earlier than if you had just goddamn waited AND you get to sit there—yep, like an asshole—while everybody throws their rightfully venomous angry eyeballs at you. Just don't do it, okay? As a bonus, you get a few extra seconds to chill in your car at a stop light and do some Kegels or something.
Step 4. Don't leave people waiting.
Don't you just freaking hate waiting? I hate waiting for my burrito to cook for two minutes in the microwave. I hate waiting when I don't realize I'm accidentally connected to my neighbor's unprotected wi-fi and I have to watch my television buffer forever while trying to watch Game of Thrones through a totally legal and definitely not pirated source. Sometimes I even hate the 1.3 seconds it takes for my phone to read my fingerprint and unlock. But guess what? Microwaves and modems and smartphones are not sentient. (Yet.) You are. In fact, you are a sentient being who has successfully completed three steps in gradually becoming Not An Asshole, so you value everyone's time. Don't be that car at a light that keeps everyone behind you waiting when the light turns green because you're too busy texting eggplant emojis or something. If you tell somebody you will be somewhere at a certain time, be there. If you can't be there, tell them. Tell them as far ahead of time as possible including up to the moment you have previously committed to meeting them. Pending a family or medical emergency, anything later than that is asshole behavior and you will not be able to move on to the next step.
Step 5. Be kind to customer service workers.
True story: My first job was working for Blockbuster Video—which, children, was like if Netflix was a physical place you had to go to in order to watch movies at home and you always ran into people you knew on a Friday night and totally secretly judged each other on your movie choices so you would sometimes pretend to be looking at the box for Remains of the Day while waiting for the other person to pass out of your line of vision so you could finally just bring that rental copy of Dude! Where's my Car? up to the counter. Anyway, one night I was working a register and some middle aged asshole tried to rent, I am just going to assume it was Meet the Deedles or I Still Know What You Did Last Summer out of spite, and I was Blockbuster-contractually obligated to tell him that his account showed that he owed like 32 cents in late fees or something. So then he proceeds to flip out and tell me I'm lying. There's no way he turned in anything late. When I calmly tried to reason with him and say that I am just telling him what my computer showed, and also, that, like, calm down dude, 32 cents is not a big deal, he proceeded to gesture wildly to the rest of the customers in line that I was obviously a dumb lying kid who should be fired. And then I kind of giggled at him. (It was a long time ago, but probably that's what happened.) Then he stormed out in a cloud of accusations and expletives hurled in my direction. And then I calmly went to the break room and told my manager to be aware that some angry jerk was probably going to call in a few minutes and tell them that I was a liar (which he did, lol) who should be fired (which I wasn't, lolol).
Anyway. Don't be this asshole dude. Don't yell at some five foot tall teenager just because she told you that you were one day late returning Chairman of the Board or Barb Wire. Don't be rude to a server because it's 8pm on a Saturday night and you had to wait five extra minutes to get your water refill. Don't act like you're better than the kid or the fifty year old making your Big Mac. Who gon' make your burger, boo? Don't huff and puff at the checker at CVS who is making polite small talk with the elderly person slowly counting out change to make their purchase. They're probably making somebody's grandpa's day.
Say hello. Say please. Say thank you. You should have learned all of this in kindergarten, but in case you forgot some of it on your way to Assholeville, here it is again. Just be kind. I mean, be kind to everybody. But especially customer service workers.
Step 6. Own up to your mistakes and be open to criticism.
Alright, we're starting to get into the real serious territory here. Take a deep breath because this is where a lot of people fall of the ass wagon. Repeat after me: "I'm sorry. That was my bad." "Sorry, guys. I totally goofed." "Yup, that was me. I apologize." "I made a mistake and I take full responsibility." "I messed this up. How can I help fix things?" It's really not that hard, especially once you've done it a few times.
Here's an Ancient Chinese Secret® about this particular aspect of non-assholery: Admitting to your own mistakes is like getting a bikini wax. It might sting like the dickens right when you do it, but, afterwards, it's pretty much smooooth sailing, if you get my drift. (Insert eggplant emoji.) But if you try to ignore the issue in hopes that it will just go away, you're in for a tangled mess of jungle weeds. You're welcome for that imagery. Also, never ever blame your mistakes and faults on somebody else. It makes you seem like an insecure little fool who can't take care of their own [poop emoji]. And remember the last time a person wouldn't admit to their own faults and habitually deflected blame on others because of their giant ego and tiny
On a related note: Did you know that only about 10% of the population has outie bellybuttons? Did you know that men typically have more bellybutton lint because it gets all caught up in their belly hairs? And did you know that all mammals who have a placenta also have a belly button? (*Goes to find my pup's belly button*) Besides this, bellybuttons are kind of boring. So, stop with the navel gazing already. Although completion of this 12-Step Program ensures that you will be a far superior human being than you were before you started, it will not make you perfect. Nobody is perfect. If somebody offers—in a kind or at least not douchey way—some constructive ways in which your behavior may be improved, give it some consideration. It doesn't mean they're necessarily right. But it doesn't always mean they're wrong, either. Continuously strive to be a slightly better version of yourself everyday. But if some asshole is criticizing you unfairly and is being a giant turdbag, then just laugh them off (see: Step 8). And then introduce them to this program.
Step 7. Follow through on commitments and obligations.
Who-o-a we're halfway there and now you can start using that momentum to drive you through these next steps.
The previous steps were designed to make you a stronger, more conscientious, and self-aware person. They also should have somewhat conditioned you to being comfortable with feelings of discomfort. Because you know what? Sometimes being a functional non-asshole adult means doing things you don't necessarily want to do because other people are depending on and expecting you to do them. Work, classes, lessons, meetings, rehearsals. If you signed up to do it, it's your responsibility to follow through. If you don't and it becomes a habit, guess what? You're an asshole. Try again. Accountability is key and your good reputation as a non-asshole depends on it.
Step 8. Have a sense of humor.
Look. I'm a music academic. Music is serious. Academia is serious. Pooping is serious. All these things are also funny. Long story short, do you know the piece Leck mich im Arsch? Look it up.
What I, and Mozart, are trying to say is just have a laugh sometimes. Often. At yourself. At minor annoyances. At unexpected surprises. At life. At assholes. Especially since you are well on your way to not being one anymore. Good work.
Step 9. Stop telling other people how to live*.
We're on the home stretch, friend, so listen very carefully: You be you. At this point, you can probably be classified as a Pretty Cool Person, so being you should be a pretty sweet deal. However, there's a caveat. In order for you to be you, you also have to let him be him. Or her be her. Or, yes, them be them. Everyone is just living out their own story as we ride this giant rock through space together. You don't have to agree with or even approve of everyone. But don't ever think for a moment that you have the right to tell another person how to walk, march, or twirl down their path.
Just be a good person, okay? You're on the home stretch. You can do it. Look how far you've come already!
* Except for predators, murderers, and bigots. It's totally okay to tell them how not to live. See Step 12.
Step 10. Show gratitude.
These remaining steps are highly crucial towards your Freedom from Assholery.
Nobody goes through life alone. Unless you are Ted Kaczynski (and look how he turned out). Which is to say that there are plenty of people along the way who were at the right place and the right time to help you. Say a damn thank you. When you are hangry and somebody goes out of their way to get you an afternoon snack so you don't commit murder, say thank you. When your pot-smoking bumpkin next door neighbor comes over wearing only a pair of jorts and sneakers offering you a bunch of tomatoes he grew in his garden, say thank you. When somebody gives you support in a time of need, say thank you. When somebody does good work, say thank you. When somebody helps you to become a better person, say thank you. When you see someone giving of themselves so much at an otherwise thankless job, be the one to say thank you.
Step 11. Practice empathy.
Hoo boy, this is a big one. There's a reason this is the penultimate step. If you can pass this, you're basically on the last straightaway of the final lap of the Olympic Marathon of Not Assholes.
Countless of our fellow human beings have been tasked with living out their time on this planet as part of one or several marginalized groups. Often times it can be difficult to understand someone's actions or motivation only because you do not share their context. Put yourself in the place of another person and really understand them through their perspective. This is incredibly important when trying to make sense of the wildly and often times violently opposing viewpoints that exist in this world. This is also incredibly important when you are the partner of a very overworked, often stressed, and chronically exhausted individual who has a tendency to leave his shoes in places other than the Designated Shoe Place and a stray fork or two unwashed in the sink. (This is all hypothetical.)
Step 12. Don't be a bigot.
Hey, awesome person, you've made it to the final step of our 12-Step How To Not Be An Asshole program. Congratulations! Skills and traits you have acquired during your journey towards non-assholery include:
Courteousness
Kindness
Self-Awareness
Humility
Humor and Cheer
Accountability
Altruism
Gratitude
Empathy
With these attributes, you are ready to take this final and incredibly critical step: Do not be a bigot.
Just don't. Don't do it. Don't defend it. Don't justify it. Don't tolerate it. Don't.
Does this mean we aren't allowed to feel superior to anyone else? Of course not. I feel superior to most people most of the time, but that's only because I make really good lumpia. And, honestly, if you enter and complete this 12-Step Program on How To Not Be An Asshole, you will be, in my estimation, in at least the top 80th percentile of human beings on this planet.
Reasons to feel superior to others:
1) good grammar
2) capacity to respond to work emails in a timely manner
3) lumpia making skills
Reasons not to feel superior to others:
1) amount of melanin in skin
2) what gender(s) make underbits tingle
3) Spaghetti Monster of choice
***
the courage to change the assholes we can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
