11:40am Sacramento time:
I made it! Dear anyone who doesn't know any better - The inside of an airplane cabin full of people and no air circulation is NEVER the right place to spritz on some perfume. EVERRR.
Get me to an In n Out, STAT!
10:47am, About 100 miles from Sacramento:
You know how when you are flying internationally, say to Japan or the Philippines, and you have to endure like twenty or more freaking hours of flying and you think to yourself, "From now on, flying just inside the US will not be a big deal at all! So not annoying and torturous!" WRONG. It's still annoying and torturous. Sorry, Louis CK. Modern flight is a miracle, but it's still annoying.
Teleportation, take me away!
10:42am West Coast time, somewhere between Denver and Sacramento:
Are we sure this leg from Houston is only four hours? Because the captain just said that we are about 45 minutes from arrival and I'm pretty sure I've been on this plane for twenty hours. Peen Carrot Tattoo Guy actually ended up being very nice and amiable, but way too chatty. I pretty much had to engage in Project Possum (pretending to be asleep) as soon as we took off. Sorry, Peen Carrot Tattoo Guy. I don't do airplane conversation.
Omg. Get me off this plane.
9:05am:
Here's a photo from our descent into Houston.
So much for bathroom or coffee. I had just enough time to navigate through the Houston airport's highly unsatisfactory terminal directions, get to the right terminal, and then the right gate, just in time to find my flight almost finished boarding. And by the time I got to my row, there was some lady sitting in my window seat when she is supposed to be in the middle seat, but the flight attendant was like, "Well, I would suggest you take the middle seat anyway because there will be more room underneath for your dog." And I was like, "Ugh, fine. Whatever." But just see if I give up EITHER armrest, Lady Who Can't Read Seat Designations And Is Currently Getting All Comfortable And Angling For This Armrest That I Have Already Claimed As My Own In Exchange For That Window And Wall That You Now Get To Enjoy.
Omg, does the guy to my left have a peen tattooed on his forearm? Oh wait, maybe it's a joint. Or a baby carrot?
Oh goody, they've already started the pre-flight announcements. Middle seat AND no headphones? See you in four extremely grouchy hours.
WHY DOES EVERYBODY SMELL LIKE B.O.???
8:21am Houston time:
Greetings from Houston! Or at least from a runway in the Houston airport where we've been waiting for our gate to clear for nearly half an hour. Assuming I get out of here soon and have an hour to wait for my connection, the questions I must inevitably confront: To airport bathroom or not to airport bathroom? Also: To coffee or not to coffee? Oh God, I want coffee. I haven't had any this morning and HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE THREE IN THE FREAKIN' MORNING? But coffee during travel inevitably means having to pee (or worse!) during travel and that is just no bueno. I once made myself hold it from a flight from Dallas to Charlotte and then a drive from Charlotte to Brevard. Long story short, I had a UTI for TWO MONTHS. In the mountains. You're learning too much about me. Time to change subjects.
We're still inside this winged metal tube breathing in other people's farts. But the pilot keeps reassuring is that it will be "just a few more minutes" so I am hopeful. (Hahaha as if.)
6:38am:
Well. Dreams don't come true, kids. Effing late boarders and their effing taking of the seat next to me. 😡 Oh well. At least he smells like Aveda hair products. Off to pretend sleep land. Only twenty minutes delayed. Not bad.
6:19am:
Boarded but not yet taken off (doy). There is currently nobody sitting next to me. I repeat: There is currently nobody sitting next to me. Could this be? Can dreams come true? Oh Lord, I'm knocking on all the plastic and faux vinyl I can possibly reach right now. Close those damn doors so nobody else can get in this plane!
Also, here's the view from my seat. Almost makes the 6am awake time worth it. Almost.
6:03am:
5:45am:
Things that should be illegal:
1. Waking up at 3am to drive to Louisville to catch a 6am flight.
2. Businessmen who stand too close behind you in the security line and bump into your bag every fifteen seconds.
3. Regulation-size candy bars that cost $2.50.
Things I have already realized I forgot to pack:
1. A swimsuit
2. A squeaky toy for BB
3. Earbuds
Who even travels without earbuds or headphones anymore? Gaaah. Now I'll have to INSTANTLY pretend to be asleep in order to cut off all possible interaction from my airplane seatmates. Maybe they'll offer free headphones on the plane. Or maybe I can buy a pair here at the terminal. (Hahahahahaha - as if. It would probably be $200.)
On the plus side, I've only been sitting at our gate for five minutes and four older people sitting near me have already creamed themselves over BB. Appropriate response. Good job, fellow travelers.
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